By Doctor R. Sosin Insidio

Okay, people, here's the deal. Those things you've been hearing, about the Knicks being capped out for years, loaded with impossible-to-trade players with prohibitively long and large contracts, and too small and weak... those things are all true. Now, I don't want to point fingers at who's to blame here, I'm not interested in going over why management decided Allan Houston was worth one tenth of a billion dollars (again)--but I will say this. NEW YORK KNICKS, SCIENCE HAS FAILED YOU. For example, take the 1999 draft. The Knicks were the Eastern conference champions, had the fifteenth pick in the draft, and had the opportunity to draft the explosive New York native Ron Artest. Yet, figuring you could not coach someone into being taller, the Knicks decided to draft invisible Frenchman Frederic Weis, who chose to remain in France and will never play a game for them. Where did they go so wrong? Friends, I would argue that the lapse came when they trusted "modern science" and its belief that you could not make someone taller. The World's crackpot scientists have many different ways to become taller which modern science cannot compete with, from the controversial "Ilizarov Procedure" (detailed in the New York Times 5/5/02) which involves breaking bones and adjusting leg braces, to the work of famed American crackpot Dr. Reed Richards (detailed in Fantastic Four #1 - #489) , who formulated that bombardment by "Cosmic Rays" could make someone into an extendable rubber-band man.

Point being, the Knicks are screwed, and if they want to compete next season, they're not going to be able to do it through conventional means or methods. Here are three ideas that I plead with Scott Layden to consider.

1. Howard Eisley must eat Mark Jackson (or vice-versa)

I don't know what you're individual feelings about cannibalism are, but I do know this: If you eat someone, you gain their strength. The Knicks currently have three point-guards which they're paying top dollar for, and I don't need to tell you that's one too many. Charlie Ward is a perfect backup point guard, and Mark Jackson and Howard Eisley are both about half of a perfect point guard. Mark Jackson is old and slow, but has amazing court vision, supreme passing ability, and a beautiful teardrop jumper. Howard Eisley is younger and quicker and can slash into the paint, but he is a terrible shooter and passer. If one ate the other, you'd have not only a young quick point guard who can penetrate, pass, and deliver the famous teardrop, but you'd also have one less point guard on contract. Now THAT is killing two birds with one stone.

2. Marcus Camby must be fully submerged in the River Styx

When ancient greek warrior Achilles was born, his mother Thetis bathed him in the river Styx, making him invulnerable. Unfortunately, she held him by his ankle, leaving one vulnerable spot which Alexandros (or Paris, depending on your translation) was able to shoot an arrow through during the sack of Troy, thereby killing him. This penchant for getting injured in the worst possible place at the worst possible time sounds an awful lot like an oft-injured center which I know and love. If we could find this river Styx and have Camby bathe fully in it, HE WOULD NEVER BE INJURED AGAIN. he would be transformed instantly from a scrawny beanpole who can't play more than 63 games a season to an unstoppable ironman. Where is the River Styx, you ask? Well, it's right outside the underworld--but if anyone can finance a trip to the hollow Earth, it's the Knick-owning James and Charles Dolan. Rumor has it the entryway is under a glacier in Iceland.

3. Draft someone young. Harvest their organs.

Draft day is coming up, and everyone is wondering who the Knicks will draft to acquire the post presence they need. Few people realize that Larry Johnson, who has an awesome array of post moves and in his prime was a fearsome rebounder and point machine, is still technically on the Knicks payroll, despite his retirement. His only problem? Vertebrae so worn out that when he plays, he grinds "bone against bone", making his return a near impossibility. Similarly, Luc Longley is on the Knicks payroll, and would be a competent (and personable) backup center, if only it wasn't for his nagging health problems with his knees and back. But crackpot science takes their health problems and makes solutions, where previously there were none. Of course, I am talking about surgically harvesting the organs of a young draft pick, and giving their young, healthy body parts to older, more experienced veterans who can make a more immediate impact. Now, harvesting organs is sort of Crackpot science's dirty little secret, and the operations would be (of course) very controversial and expensive. But gentlemen, that is the type of sacrifices we must make if we want to move ahead. They called me mad at the academy--mad!--for suggesting operations like this, but they will all see... yes, one day they will all see...

Doctor R. Sosin Insidio is currently living in a foreboding castle high in
the Carpathian mountains.