By John DeCosta

In a division where questionable trades, lousy draft picks, and underachieving players are the norm, Rod Thorn has become an outcast. Thorn, the current general manager of the Nets, has spent the last two seasons constructing a team that has become division, maybe even conference favorites to go to the championship. These moves fly straight in the face of what appeared to be pact among division general managers to make surprising, and often unpopular moves that make it practically impossible for any expert to predict who will make the playoffs.

During the summer months, Thorn acquired Dikembe Mutombo, a durable center who rebounds well and is an intimidator around the basket. Experts and fans alike were more often than not in favor of this move, which gives them a center that can better match up with Shaquille O’Neal. Following the trade for Mutombo, the Nets landed free agent Rodney Rogers. Rogers, a versatile forward, will give them a solid sixth man who is an adept scorer.

These moves have created a backlash from the rest of the division. One unnamed general manager stated (editor's note: this quote is a mock quote, play along), “Not since the Magic acquired Grant Hill have we seen this kind of division betrayal.” He is of course referring to the major acquisition a couple of years ago that made the Magic favorites to win the division. This move was not well received by other owners, as the Magic received loads of hate mail and the standard dismembered bobblehead dolls. Later on, when Grant Hill went down for the season after 4 games, apologies and boxes of chocolate were immediately sent to the Magic, along with praise for their foresight in knowing that Hill would be injured and their title chances foiled.

Following the Magic’s historical off-season, the Philadelphia 76ers made the most enviable acquisition of 2001, signing highly skilled power forward Derrick Coleman. Coleman, best known for his negative attitude, off-the-court antics, and poor physical conditioning, is a player most Atlantic division GMs covet. This addition was the perfect fit for Philadelphia, who already had a controversial superstar in Allen Iverson, and they rapidly descended from the best team in the Eastern Conference to the sixth seed.

In an effort to compete with the Sixers, the New York Knicks set the bar for off-season 2002 by trading for former all-star forward Antonio McDyess on draft day. In acquiring McDyess, the Knicks now have themselves player who once again will be out for the season, and the added bonus of not having and adequate point guard or center (both starters were dealt in the trade).

Subsequent to the Knicks maneuver, the Celtics countered by acquiring the former all-star, now just underachieving, pudgy, and often depressed Vin Baker. This bold and inexplicable move has impressed many experts, as one commented, “The Celtics were two wins away from playing for the championship. Now, with the addition of Baker, they could be the top seed, the four seed, the eighth? Who knows? Brilliant move.”

Not to be outdone, the Magic added Shawn Kemp. Kemp, the former superstar power forward, who in recent years has rapidly increased his playing weight while simultaneously decreasing his playing time. With the 6’10” Kemp and Grant Hill on the same roster, the Magic now have what can be known as the ultimate mystery duo. Combined they can score, pass, rebound, clear buffet tables, and play an uncertain amount of games on the schedule.

But the traitorous Nets have turned on their Atlantic division comrades and have chosen the path of security. Rod Thorn first made the trade for Dikembe Mutombo. This move was not popular with the rest of the division, but was accepted when considering Mutombo’s age and his uncanny ability to slow up an offense. Plus, his shot is rarely matched in awkwardness. But, in addition, Thorn added Rodney Rogers. This move perturbed owners the most, as Rogers undoubtedly improves their team, giving the Nets a consistent scorer they need off the bench.

“This type of player maneuvering is only acceptable in the Western Conference!” Exclaimed one enraged GM. “If he wants to make safe moves and finish predictably in the standings, then he clearly is on the wrong coast.”

As the season is about to tip off, rival Atlantic division owners are seething more and more. Not much can be done to save Thorn or the Nets from the seemingly irreversible damage of making acquisitions that better their team. At this point, maybe not even the signing of Sam Bowie would make a difference.