By Chris Jensen

Watching an NBA game from the cheap seats provides one with a unique perspective, or at least that's my explanation for the random observations that follow. My goal this season is to be an equal opportunity humorist, skewering stars and scrubs alike. Grab a comfortable chair and come along for the ride.

Oliver Miller is back in the NBA after a three-year absence and stints last year with the Harlem Globetrotters and the USBL, CBA and ABA leagues. When asked what he missed the most about the NBA, the 32-year-old Miller replied, "The per diem food allowance."

Fellow Pacer Austin Croshere is hobbling around on crutches, killing the Pacers' desperate attempts to unload him somewhere, anywhere. Apparently Croshere broke his foot tripping over Brian Griese's dog.

Being the Sonics' new $75 million savior is evidently weighing heavily on Rashard Lewis' shoulders...or at least his left shoulder. Gee, if they insisted on having a player with a chronic injury problem they could have saved $74 million and signed free agent Robert Pack.

The New York Knicks have rescinded their $250,000 fine on Latrell Sprewell. Instead, the Knicks' brain trust (I know, an oxymoron if ever there was one) has decided to ban Sprewell from eating desserts for two weeks, just like their parents used to do when they were bad as kids. Upon hearing the news, Bulls GM Jerry Krause asked for first dibs on Sprewell's just desserts.

With the city of Charlotte making great strides toward getting a new arena deal in place, landing an NBA expansion team to replace the Hornets is becoming closer to reality. No truth to the rumor the expansion team's nickname would be the Shinn Kickers.

Ex-Bulls head coach Tim Floyd has taken time out from a busy off-season of fishing and is throwing his hat in the ring to coach the U.S. Olympic team in 2004. Said Floyd, "Finishing in sixth place would be a step up for me."

Can someone please send Warriors point guard Steve Logan a memo outlining all the perks that come with being a second round draft pick. Any blank sheet of paper will do. Logan has moved behind Spud Webb on the Warriors' depth chart.

Fans in Sacramento are worrying over the prospect of Kings star Chris Webber having to appear in court during the NBA season to answer perjury charges. Webber's representatives say this whole thing is a big misunderstanding. They say a quick look at the court transcript from Michigan booster Ed Martin's trial reveals Webber said, "Look, judge, timeout here. Of course I took some walking-around money. But I never." Before he could finish, the judge ruled Webber was out of timeouts and threw the book at him.

A man in Chicago was arrested for an identity theft plot involving Michael and Juanita Jordan. The alleged suspect had a good chance of getting away with his scheme-after all, how many tellers are going to be able to recognize Michael Jordan? But bank officials got suspicious when the Jordan impersonator came to collect his money and Ahmad Rashad was not along to hold his wallet open for him.

Wang Zhizhi, Please pick up the red courtesy phone. Some Chairman guy is on the line for you. Something about latrine duty.

Nikoloz Tskitishvili is working to get his mother and brother out of Georgia. While there has been concern raised that the two could be the target of kidnap attempts, Tskitishvili said the real reason they need to get out of Georgia is that his mother and brother were afraid they'd be forced to attend an Atlanta Hawks game.

Kudos to the Jazz for signing Mark Jackson to be a more reliable backup to John Stockton. The two are unmatched at driving an NBA offense and setting up teammates. Evidently Lenny Wilkens was too busy to come out of retirement. Am I the only one who's noticed all the point guards that were drafted to someday succeed Stockton have long since retired from the league?

Speaking of driving an NBA offense, can anyone explain why we park on the driveway but drive on the parkway?

Can you believe Vin Baker paid teammate Kedrick Brown $10,000 to give up uniform #42? It turns out that Baker only did so because he remembered stashing some donuts in the folds of his jersey. Unfortunately, it was his Sonics #42 that held the stash. By the time he realized his gaffe and called the Sonics, they had already exorcised and burned #42.

If the San Antonio Spurs complete a trade with the Pistons for Mengke Bateer, they'll have enough foreign players on their roster to have a quorum for United Nations voting. The Mongolian Bateer would join Tim Duncan (Bahamas), Emanuel Ginobili (Argentina) and Tony Parker (France). Coach Mark Popovich tried to resign Dennis Rodman so he could field an all-foreign starting five, but he discovered that Mars does not count as a country.

To gain more notoriety and increase his chances of finally sticking in the league, Randy Livingston has decided to change his name to Jason Williams.

Shawn Kemp's signing with the Orlando Magic has had an immediate impact on the city. Managers at Disney's Crystal Palace immediately doubled the food order for its daily buffet, and the Orange County child services agency has been forced to add five more caseworkers. Yes, the great playwright Oscar Wilde must have been thinking of Kemp when he wrote, "The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it." Hey, Shawn, maybe it's time to stop yielding!

See you in the cheap seats!

Chris Jensen is an Indianapolis-based freelance writer. Address comments to him at delhiman@hotmail.com.