Even for those of us for whom it’s been a while, the month of September brings back memories of classrooms, campuses, buying books and choosing courses. We equate this time of year with matters of learning and embarking on new paths. It’s also the time of year that anticipation of a new NBA season begins to grow. Free agents have been signed, rosters are pretty much set and we hope that players have spent the summer addressing the physical and/or mental elements of the game which will help themselves and their teams.

Some of what certain players have (or should have) been studying over the summer:

Derek Anderson: Family Studies - Derek has no idea what he got himself into when he turned down the Spurs and went to the Blazers. He’ll need to know how to live in a dysfunctional family, ‘cause the healthy atmosphere and well-adjusted teammates he experienced in San Antonio hasn’t existed in Portland since Clyde Drexler left.

Vin Baker: Phys-Ed - With the Sonics inability to move Gary Payton (moving Baker and his $87 million contract was out of the question) The Glove is going to have no patience if Vin’s not in the best shape of his career. If Baker shows up at training camp doing his impression of The Blob, Payton’s going to tear him to pieces. Off-season reports from Hartford that Vin looked in good shape are reason for hope, for him and the Sonics.

Shane Battier: Organizational Development - Going from the top college program in the U.S. to a pro team that’s starting from square one is going to be a shock. The Grizzlies are relying on Battier to contribute on the floor and to bring some of the winning attitude that he gained at Duke. With a front office that seems to have no idea what it’s doing, to a coaching staff and roster who appear similarly challenged, Battier’s got a task worthy of a Harvard MBA if he hopes to have an impact on this organization.

Mike Bibby: Military Studies - During his three years with the Grizzlies, Bibby’s play at the point was steady, but quiet and uninspired. In his role as floor general, he was often AWOL. If he can’t step up, command some respect and direct the Kings’ high-powered offense, he risks a court-martial in Sacramento.

Vince Carter: Political Science - If, over the next few seasons, the Raptors come close to fulfilling the potential that this off-season’s moves have provided, Vince is a shoe-in to become Canada’s next Prime Minister.

Patrick Ewing: Retirement Planning - Patrick must be doing some major studying of this subject. That must be the reason why it’s taking so long for him to call it quits. At least now that he’s in Florida, he doesn’t have far to go when he finally trades in his Reeboks for white patent leather shoes.

Penny Hardaway: Archaeology - If Penny resurrects his career by keeping up the level of performance he’s displayed during Summer League play, it’ll be the biggest excavation since King Tut.

Grant Hill: Violin Lessons - Grant, for the first time in his NBA career, has to know how to play second fiddle. Playing behind Tracy McGrady will take some getting used to.

Allan Houston: Calculus - Allan needs some differential calculus, so he can answer all the questions about how the sixth or seventh-best shooting guard in the league gets the biggest contract. It’s got to be some kind of inversely-proportional-differentiation-thing.

Jason Kidd: No classes required -  Jason knows what he needs to do for the Nets. With Kidd’s move to New Jersey, though, he did spend the summer getting acclimatized by watching ‘The Sopranos’.

Karl Malone: Bio-engineering - if he continues to do what he’s been doing for 16 years, they’re going to want to clone him.

Anthony Mason: Tony Robbins Course - with the way he’s been ignored during this year’s free agency, Mace is going to need the power of positive thinking.

Charles Oakley: Early Childhood Development - Charles has the unenviable task of being the veteran presence on a team that’s relying on the rapid development of two high schoolers. Bringing them along could take the calm and patience of Mr. Rogers.

Hakeem Olajuwon: Knitting Classes - The Dream’s going to need to knit himself some woolies. The difference in average January temperature between Houston and Toronto is roughly sixty degrees.

Scottie Pippen: Legal Studies - Scottie’s said himself that playing basketball last year was not much fun. Since things in Portland aren’t looking any better this year, he may as well get started on a new career. He can keep pretty busy, with a solid client base coming just from representing his teammates.

Olden Polynice: Criminology - after pleading guilty to impersonating a police officer last year, he may as well sign up, so he can use his badge for real, wherever he winds up playing.

Mitch Richmond: Religious Studies - it could take the wisdom of the Dalai Lama for Mitch to find enough ways to give thanks for this off-season. After getting $10 million from the Wizards for buying out his contract and releasing him, he winds up in L.A., where he gets the first legitimate shot of his career at a championship.

Rasheed Wallace: Anger Management - an obvious one, but the biggest priority of the year. Wallace’s temper, getting thrown out of games and the dissent it creates on the team is the biggest factor keeping Portland from being a serious contender. If ‘Sheed doesn’t get it together, the Blazers will begin rebuilding.

Chris Webber: Cooking Classes - C-Webb’s in Sacramento for the long haul. With his love of soul food and its supposed inavailability in the California capital, his best chance to stay fed and happy is to learn to make Chicken Gumbo himself. He should at least check out www.SoulFoodCookbook.com. 

These are just a few of the more pressing concerns from around the league. Here’s hoping that these players, and the ones not mentioned, have taken care of business, addressed their needs, and are ready to go, ‘cause I think I just heard the bell ring...