Due to the
ensuing turmoil developing around MJs return to the league and as His Comebackness's
day of judgment looms ever closer (September, right Mike?) it seems as
if the usual off-season speculation concerning trades, free agent signings
and Shawn Kemps weight/addictions/kids is being slowly pushed to the background.
So on another bored summer vacation afternoon I decided to take a look
at the league and come up with the conclusion that it doesn't really matter
who goes where because a 300 pound behemoth with questionable rapping and
free throw shooting skills and a lanky guy with no college degree are gonna
be ruling the league for the foreseeable future. Nonetheless here's what
I think:
Seems like
tickets for the clippers bandwagon are being more highly sought after than
Tupac sightings in Cuba. Could it be that the perennially unfortunate Clippers
could make their first real playoff run since the days of Manning, Harper
and Jax (that 97 quick entrance wasn't counted on account of it being pitiful
to see Brent Barrys 20 turnover a game average and Loy Vaught being the
Clippers 'go to guy'.) But now with some kids fresh outta math class it
seems that although maybe they won't make the playoffs this year but at
least they can be exciting to watch. And how many other teams with a player
of Cherokee Parks' 'stature' can say that?
It also seems
as if the unthinkable has happened. Teams are actually mimicking the Clips.
The once great Chicago Bulls employed a draft day strategy similar to the
Clips one in the previous year and tried drafting the youngest players
they could find. It got so stupid that at one point they offered up Elton
Brand, Ron Artest and Ron Mercer for a 6th grader who could dribble between
his legs, a French teenage immigrant they found in Burger king who showed
good shooting form when he threw a paper napkin in the garbage and a couple
of Swahili an Tribesmen who were only rumored to exist. It seems as if
Jerry Krause has his own agenda of trading away or annoying his best players
just so he can keep control over the franchise and if he wins a few games
then hey, that's a good bonus.
After all the
trade rumors floating around it seems like the effect of the trades which
did actually happen have become forgotten in a tirade of poorly constructed
what-if scenarios and salary matching mathematics. The team who seemed
to really win was the Atlanta Hawks, who not only got Shareef 'I woulda
been an All Star if I didn't play for crowds of 250 canucks' Abdur-Rahim,
but also managed to construct a starting five around him which for the
first time in his career will be able to run and shoot at the same time.
Jason Terry, Dermarr Johnson and Theo Ratliff will all improve, and Toni
Kukoc, although shaken by his complete lack of any kind of inception within
the Philadelphia offense, can still shoot and make unnecessarily fancy
passes. The other trades can be summed up very quickly:
Stephon Marbury
will benefit from a better supporting class in Phoenix, but only because
they will draw defensive attention away from him and allow him to jack
up 40 shots a night. Expect Shawn Marion's rebounding numbers to score
as he collects Steph's misses, and also expect Penny Hardaways convenient
knee 'injury' to make a return after he realizes he no longer has Shaq
to hide behind (editor's note: Penny's injuries were real). Jason
Williams will put butts on seats in Memphis but expect his patented no-look
off-the-crotch passes to knock some sense into Bryant Reeves as the ball
rebounds off fat country's hillbilly ass and cause him to learn what a
sit-up is.
On free agent
signings, it seems like the Blazers have found the perfect cure for their
chemistry woes. They traded a guy who was one of the only sane members
of their schizophrenic brigade for a player who wasn't re-signed by the
no less than the Clippers because he was too much of a 'distraction', then
they went ahead and signed Ruben Patterson, a player who's history was
so dubious he makes J.R Rider look like Moses, Jesus and a whole boy scouts
pack rolled into one. This is the equivalent of using a band-aid to patch
up a gun-shot wound. It seems now that Scottie Pippen has for all intents
and purposes retired and that Arvydas Sabonis' knees are more fragmented
than, well the Blazers chemistry that the Blazers starting five is going
to need to bring bail bonds to their games with them. Speaking of guys
with bad histories, it seems as if there are no takers for All Star Anthony
Mason. Even the Jail Blazers wont take a chance on this guy, who has in
his illustrious career had more on court fights than Mike Tyson's had beauty
pageant winners. Well regardless to say there's always a place warm for
him on the fans of Charles Oakley committee if need be.
Finally, there's
the all-encompassing issue of the return of a certain Mr. Jordan to think
about. But if any of you out there are expecting Mike to come back, drop
30 per game, dunk on Shaq and Kobe at the same time and lead the Wiz to
the playoffs then remember this. At age 36 Jordan got crossed over so badly
by a rookie he needed to wear correctional shoes to heal his snapped ankles.
That rookie was Allen Iverson and in the 3 years since Jordan's second
departure he has become about 5 times the player he was as a sponsor-scaring
youngster. If MJ guards Iverson again it may help
to have a
paramedic nearby, just in case. As for when his Airness goes up against
Vince well, can you say Poster? And if Mike does return and is still the
player he was in '98 then where will that leave the young players the league
has been hyping since Jordan's departure? You can almost hear the Dirk
Nowitzki hype machine stalling as I speak. Oh well we've always got Jeff
Van Gundy's hair to amuse us if Jordan's return plunges the league into
the abyss. And as Zo will tell you, there's nothing more amusing than that.
