Feb
28, 2001 NBA
BASKETBALL Editorial - - - - -
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The
Big Brag, Laker Style By
SEAN MILLER
It's
as if the kids these days have no foundation. This whole Kobe/Shaq
fiasco leads me to believe that the lessons I've learned as a child were
lost on the rest of my generation.
Well,
thank God I'm here. As the preserver of good behavior and peaceful
coexistence, I have mandatory reading for the two young Laker superstars.
Besides my favorite novels like Animal Farm, The Count of Monte Cristo
and Native Son, my reading list includes a number of Theodore Geisel stories.
One of these stories, in particular, is extremely appropriate to the current
strife between Shaq and Kobe.
Fellas,
if you read anything in the next month, let it be "The Big Brag" by Dr.
Seuss. There's nothing in the world better than a little humility
to aid your own growth. But I realize that the rigors of the NBA
schedule and a packed social calendar may not afford you the time to sit
down with this literary masterpiece, despite Shaq's Reading is Fundamental
rhetoric. Therefore, I've taken the liberty of putting my own spin
on the story.
The
modern, more topical version, reads as follows:
'Well
Kobe felt mighty important that day
On
top of the scoring list where he play.
He
felt SO important up there on that hill
That
he started in bragging, as NBA players will
And
he dunked and he roared, as he pounded his chest,
"Of
all the ballers in the world, I am the best!
In
Toronto, In Philly...even out in D.C.
No
player lives who is better than ME!"
"Say
what?" growled a voice that was deep in a huff.
"How
can you talk such ignorant stuff?"
Kobe
looked down and he saw a big Shaq.
"I'm
the MVP of the league," said Shaq. "Now step back!"
"Are
not!" snapped Kobe. "I'm better than you!"
"You're
a kid!" Shaq retorted. "You're young and a fool!
You
talk a big game, Kobe. That's true.
But
how can you beat me? Just what can you do?"
He
ran a few lines. Then he said as he knelt,
"Shaq,
do you see these two hands I've been dealt?"
My
hands are so strong and so steady and fine
No
hands in the world can shoot jumpers like mine!"
"Humpf!"
Shaq grunted. He looked at each hand.
"You
say they are strong," said Shaq with a hoot,
"But
how do I know just how far they can shoot?"
"I'll
prove," said Kobe, "my hands are the best.
You
sit there and watch me. I'll show you by test."
Then
he dribbled the ball that bounced off his thigh
And
spun it on his fingertip, then on top of a pie.
He
cracked his knuckles as loud as he could.
"Shhh!
I am focusing!" he said as he stood.
He
then shot a ball so hard that he began to fret
If
he'd ever again see his orange Wilson Jet.
For
seven long minutes he stood with his hand in the air
And
he said to Shaq, "Did you hear that swish out there?
Do
you see that far playground...? It's ninety blocks off.
There's
a hoop on that playground. Its net is quite soft!
So
you see," bragged Kobe, "It's perfectly true
That
my hands are the best, so I'm better than you!"
Shaq,
for a moment, just sulked as he sat
For
he knew he couldn't even shoot free throws like that.
So
he said to young Kobe, "You ungrateful little punk.
You
can shoot ninety blocks. But how hard can you dunk?
I'm
the greatest of dunkers," he bragged. "See my guns?
These
arms are the baddest, they can lift twenty tons.
With
my arms I can dunk backward and forward with fear.
My
dunks can be felt by Dikembe Mutombo or Richard Gere.
"Please"
Kobe snorted.
"Can
you dig it!" growled Shaq
And
he lifted his arms high above his back.
He
cocked his arm back with the ball in his hand
And
brought the crowd down like a Rock 'n Roll band.
He
hung on the rim after breaking the glass.
Then
he said to Kobe, "You're the best... MY ASS!"
"What's
that?" called a voice
From
way out past half court.
Shaq
and Kobe looked out from the rim,
And
they saw old Magic approaching with a grin.
"Now,
boys," said Magic, "you've been talking a lot of trash.
You
both think you're great. But I think you're just brash.
You
ain't half as smooth as a player like me.
You
shoot and you dunk. But how well can you see?
Well,
I'm here to prove to you big boasting guys
That
your arms and your hands aren't as good as my eyes!"
And
little old Magic recounted his ties
To
Pat and Kareem and three other guys.
He
told them of open jumpers and lay-ups and easy wins
As
if the NBA had been cast away in bins.
Assists
and sharing dominated the league
Whereas
now they seem like the plague.
"That's
enough!" growled Shaq, "Tell Kobe and the team
Just
what you are saying and what does it mean."
"Well,
boys," Magic answered, "I took quite a look
At
your impending legacy in the history book.
I
looked across the country, and into Cleve-land
For
I can see better than anyone can.
I
looked past Miami. Then I looked across Chicago.
I
looked through Houston; and if they had a team, Key Largo.
Then
I looked over Denver and, also New York.
I
kept looking for the champagne I'd uncork.
"I
finally found an ungodly sort
When
I'd looked through the world and back to this court!
And
I saw on this court, since my assists are so clean,
The
two biggest fools that have ever been seen!
And
the fools that I saw were none other than you,
Who
seem to have nothing else better to do
Than
sit here and argue who's better than who!"
Then
Magic took his smile along with his greeters
And
went back to work, alone, in his Theaters.'
***Credited
to and inspired by Dr. Seuss' "The Big Brag."
