Psst, hey Chris, it’s me. You know, that little voice in your head
you
hear
every once in a while. I know we haven’t really gotten along since
I
whispered,
"Quick, call a timeout" back in college, but I am really here to
help
this time.
We both know the city of Sacramento, the franchise, and every Kings fan
in
the state will do anything to keep you from leaving after this season.
That’s
right Chris, I said anything. So I’ve taken it upon myself to draw
up
a little list of demands for you to use at your discretion. There’s
nothing
wrong with taking advantage of the situation, is there? My buddy
works
in Alex Rodriguez’s head, and look how good they’re doing.
Chris, we both know they want you to stay. There have been talks
of
building
a new downtown stadium for you to play in, not to mention the
beautiful
new practice arena they gave you. Sure, they don’t want to come
right
out and say it, but it’s pretty obvious that it was built in your
honor.
The team has needed a practice facility for years, yet it is not
until
after consecutive trips to the postseason, led by you Chris, that the
team
and the city have constructed the practice arena. So regardless of
how
you
feel, you have to know they are trying.
Enough with the nostalgia, onto our demands.
Chris, you’ve been quoted in ESPN Magazine that you don’t like having to
drive
an hour and a half to get some soul food in Sacramento. Everyone
remembers
your tendency to drive a little fast, so if it takes you and hour
and
a half to get to these restaurants, they must really be far away.
You
also
stated that you can’t find a good barber shop to get your hair cut, even
though
Scott Pollard has offered to take you to his on numerous occasions.
But
don’t worry Chris, I’m always looking out for you. The first line
in
your
new contract will make sure the finest soul food restaurant/barber shop
will
be opened very near to your house. How does inside your garage sound?
Sounds
good, doesn’t it? All right, now we are getting somewhere.
Next up, your teammates. I’m not knocking anyone on the team, but
we
know
that sometimes the immaturity and youth get to you. The laughing
and
joking
around during warm-ups makes it hard to concentrate. So here is
demand
number two. Tell them you won’t play another game as a King until
we
see
Juwan Howard, Jalen Rose, Ray Jackson, and Jimmy King suited up for
Sacramento.
And if the Maloof brothers have any extra cash lying around, see
if
you can get them to change the colors to gold and navy, and maybe throw
a
big
M onto the front of those jerseys. That ought to make you feel right
at
home.
Chris, you have said that there is no ethnic diversity in Sacramento,
hinting
you don’t see enough African Americans in the city. Well Chris, this
is
a touchy subject, but I’m afraid it is going to be the first time we
disagree.
Tell me, what will leaving the city do to fix this apparent ethnic
diversity
problem you see? It won’t help. If you stay, think how much
you
can
help the African American community in town. You will be a figure
of
respect
and power in the community and will be a role model to thousands of
boys
and girls. But if the idea of helping isn’t enough for you, I have
another
idea. It will not only fix the ethnic diversity problem, but also
the
"bored out of your mind" problem you have been having. Two words
Chris:
Sacramento
Globetrotters. Face it, everyone loves the ‘Trotters, yet few are
willing
to admit it. You will be bored no longer Chris. No need to
thank
me,
your happiness is my happiness.
All right pal, I know we’ve gone through a lot of ideas already and you
might
be feeling a little overwhelmed, and you may be asking yourself, "What
if
they agree to all this stuff and I still don’t want to stay?" The
answer
is
surprisingly simple. Our last demand will surely solve all of your
problems.
Tell them the only way you are going to continue being a King is
if
they pack everything up and move it all to Detroit. You might not
want to
listen
to me but I’m telling you Chris, it will probably work. The owners,
the
fans, and the city want you to stay so bad they would be willing to move
across
the country to cheer you on. This is the same pep talk Art Modell’s
voice
gave to him a few years ago and it didn’t seem to work out so great at
first.
But now look at them, they are Super Bowl champions.
But honestly Chris, the choice of staying or going is up to you.
I mean
seriously,
what do I know anyway? After all, I am the same voice that once
uttered
the words "Don’t worry about it Chris, it’ll be fun to play for
Golden
State."
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