Jan 5, 2001
NBA BASKETBALL Fan Editorial - - - - -
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Sick of the
Shaq
By DAN SEYMOUR
Disclaimer - this is a FAN
EDITORIAL - raw and unedited (other than one word). InsideHoops did not
write this. If you want to comment on this editorial, use the message
board link below.
This is for all you shameless and
brainless Shaq fans: Shaq is wack. I wouldn't even have had to say that
if little kids didn't run around wearing new Lakers' jackets like the bandwagon-hopping,
wretched little vermin that they are. This column would be completely unnecessary
if normally intelligent and reasonable adult sports fans didn't become
blithering, doddering, pathetic idiots with no sense of dignity or righteousness
when Shaq dunks the ball. I wouldn't be screaming in angst every time Shaq
manhandles Vlade Divac if our nation weren't currently engaged in a sickening
love affair with a man who happens to have been born much bigger and stronger
than everyone else.
Before I go any further, I'd like
to insert the following disclaimer: This is not one of those "Shaq is not
an athlete" arguments. Anybody who thinks that what Shaq does is easy,
even for him, should try grabbing a rebound over Arvydas Sabonis and then
dunking the ball in his face (I've actually tried it before. It wasn't
nearly as easy as I thought it would be.) I hold nothing against Shaq personally
and don't blame him for doing what he knows he has to do to be the best.
So "Shaq is wack" should not be misconstrued. I'm not mad at Shaq; I'm
mad at all you schmucks who root for him, all you (nasty word) with no
soul and no brain.
He's obviously the best player in
the NBA, or else I wouldn't have to write this column in the first place,
which I really don't want to be doing right now because I'm missing the
A-Team. But I just have to question the implications of our country and
its culture and where we're headed intellectually and spiritually when
we feel compelled to play it safe and root for Goliath, despite that none
of us can identify with him on any level at all (unless of course you're
7-2, 315 lbs. and the best player in the NBA.) What does it say about our
capacity to appreciate the true aesthetic beauty inherent in human competition
that we accept and love this monster of a man who brings the dullest possible
aspect to the game of basketball: brute dominance.
Michael Jordan was the undisputed
best and most dominant player in the NBA for many years, but he was also
a brilliant athletic genius and an artist. There's no art to Shaq, no grace
or beauty, no soul. I don't sit with my mouth drooping in an astonished
gaze like I used to with Jordan when he would glide in and out of my beloved
Knick defenders like he was doing a slalom and then bury a game-winning
shot at the buzzer, leaving me to marvel: "How does he do it?" He was literally
godlike.
And Shaq? Shaq was just blessed with
enough coordination and quickness that he can use his size to exploit smaller
opponents, namely every single player in the NBA. Who cares? What's the
point of watching that? I've never watched him and marveled: "How does
he do it?" because it's perfectly obvious how he does it. Once again, I
don't blame him for performing his particularly monstrous brand of distasteful
and art-less athletic blasphemy; I blame you for liking it.
What do we root for when we root
for Shaq? That the biggest and strongest man
can win every time? Might makes
right? Are we actually hoping that there's no such thing as magic? Apollo
Creed over Rocky Balboa? Brawn over brains? I don't like watching Shaq,
I don't like what Shaq brings to the game, and I don't like you.
I saw a commercial on television
a while ago with Bill Russell, and he said that when he guarded somebody,
he tailored his defensive strategy according to what he knew the man he
was guarding liked to do, and what he didn't like to do. He would force
him into a bad spot, and he had most of his rebounds before the ball was
even shot. Does Shaq do this? I'm not inside Shaq's head, but if I had
to guess, I would say that what goes through Shaq's head when he's guarding
somebody is most likely somewhere along the lines of: "Duh." So please,
I sincerely beg of every last one of you front-running public lice with
your O'Neal jerseys and Shaq posters to settle down and try to see the
sheer brilliance and artistry in what players like Allen Iverson and Vince
Carter are doing right now. If Iverson ever becomes the best player in
the NBA, and I sincerely hope that he does, he will prove what Wayne Gretsky
proved in hockey, that you don't have to be the biggest or the strongest
to be the best. Wouldn't that be beautiful? Until then, however, you soulless,
cowardly, brainless parasites are going to continue sitting glued to your
television sets, cheering stupidly
as Shaq mercilessly defaces and invalidates everything I used to love about
watching basketball.
Disclaimer - this is a FAN
EDITORIAL - raw and unedited (other than one word). InsideHoops did not
write this. If you want to comment on this editorial, use the message
board link below.
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