The pine-riders

While discussing NBA star players is always fun, sometimes it's worth examining the guys that sit at the end of the bench. The job of these players is usually to push the team's better players in practice.

While you may have had dreams of becoming an NBA star, it's time to accept that fact that you're probably not going to make it. I'm sorry. The truth hurts. Reality bites. Perhaps you should lower your goals and start dreaming of something slightly (very, very slightly) more realistic - becoming an NBA bench-warmer.

The Blazers recently signed Will Perdue and Stacey Augman. Perdue, an experienced 7-footer, may be experienced at playing very lousy basketball, but he's also experienced the joy of putting on an NBA championship ring. (His own ring, from the Spurs, not one that he borrowed or anything.) 

Will's main job will be to show up to work on time and healthy. Arvydas Sabonis is the team's main center, and a handful of power forwards are available to back him up. Once in a great while, Perdue may find some minutes - perhaps the closing 90 seconds of the first and third quarters. At team practices, Will's main responsibility will be to not injure himself or any of his teammates.

Perdue will also be useful against the Lakers, Spurs or Heat, where he can be used to stick his pointy elbows and knees into Alonzo Mourning, Tim Duncan, David Robinson and Shaquille O'Neal as much as possible.

Stacey Augman has similar responsibilities to Will Perdue's, except he's actually an excellent defensive player and therefore can actually be instructed to guard people rather than just hitting them while making innocent, "I didn't mean to pick Shaq's nose with my elbow, honest!" facial expressions. Augman is versatile, and  can score every once in a (great) while. A terrific player to have at the very end of your bench.

Don't dream of being Allen Iverson, Kevin Garnett or Chris Dudley anymore. Those are great players - the best in the world - and you're never going to be able to do the amazing things they do.

Dream of being Will Perdue and getting to win a championship thanks to David Robinson, Tim Duncan and the height you were born with. Dream of being Stacey Augman - a former NBA starter who now gets to be the team's 27th man off the bench.

Someday, if you wake up and suddenly find that you're 7 feet tall, or really athletic (but not particularly good at basketball), you just might find yourself on an NBA championship team.

9/22/2000
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