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By M.J. Darnell

If the playoffs started today...

...these would be the first round matchups:

(1) Indiana (15-4) vs. (8) Boston (7-11)
(2) Philadelphia (9-10) vs. (7) New Jersey (7-11)
(3) Detroit (14-6) vs. (6) Milwaukee (9-9)
(4) New Orleans (13-6) vs. (5) Toronto (10-8)

(1) L.A. Lakers (15-3) vs. (8) Portland (9-7)
(2) Dallas (12-6) vs. (7) Houston (10-7)
(3) Sacramento (12-4) vs. (6) Utah (10-7)
(4) Denver (12-6) vs. (5) Seattle (9-6)

I realize that it isn't breaking news, but the East is just sad. At the end of an Eastern Conference game, I feel like I've just seen Old Yeller take one in the dome. The Atlantic Division in particular has taken the game of basketball, tied it to a tree in the backyard, and beaten it with a shovel until it has died. If it wasn't for Allen Iverson, I'd say contract the entire worthless division, or make them all NBDL teams. Not one, but two 7-11 teams among the top 8? They're not just under .500, they're four games under .500, and it's only 18 games into the season. At this pace, they'll be about 20 games under when the season ends, Eastern Conference playoff games will have NHL-like television ratings, and I'll be asleep during the 2nd quarter of all of them.

The West, however, is about as exciting as it could expect to be at this point, considering that there's only one team that has a realistic shot at getting to the Finals. If this pace were to hold (obviously, a longshot), the Lakers would sweep the Blazers and then either the Nuggets or the Sonics, and be rested and ready to take on whoever limped out of the probable Dallas/Sacramento series. The Spurs wouldn't even be around. The real intrigue would come from the fact that at least one team out of the group of Denver, Seattle, and Utah would win a playoff series before the Timberwolves, who would be somewhere hanging out with the Spurs.

Also, 37.5% of all playoff teams would have purple in their uniforms. I don't know why that's significant, but it doesn't make me happy.

Big vs. Little

While we're on the subject of the East being bad and the West being good, let's figure out why. It's not that complicated, really. Among the as-of-right-now playoff teams listed above, let's list the significant big men and little men in either conference.

1s, 2s, or 3s:
East: Ron Artest, Allen Iverson, Paul Pierce, Jason Kidd, Baron Davis, Vince Carter, Chauncey Billups
West: Kobe Bryant, Michael Finley, Steve Francis, Mike Bibby, Carmelo Anthony, Ray Allen

4s or 5s:
East: Jermaine O'Neal, Kenyon Martin, Ben Wallace.
West: Shaquille O'Neal, Karl Malone, Zach Randolph, Dirk Nowitzki, Yao Ming, Chris Webber, and lets throw in Rasheed Wallace, a 3 right now, yes, but traditionally a 4.

The East compares quite favorably when it comes to the little guys. It's debatable, but I'd take the group of Eastern little guys over the Western ones. Easily.

When it comes to the big men, however, there is no comparison, and this list doesn't even include Tim Duncan, perhaps the best player in the game. Even without him, the West dominates in terms of big men. Is this coincidental to the fact that the West dominates in general? I think not.

So when a Western Conference team puts a legitimate scoring big man up for trade, what would keep an Eastern Conference team from jumping at it?

Well, the fact that it's Rasheed Wallace.

If you could transplant any kind of a decent mind into 'Sheed's body, think about how much better he could make a team like Philadelphia, Boston, or New Orleans. If any one of those teams could add a guy that could score in the post, defend in the post, step out and hit some jumpers, they would immediately become one of the best teams in the East, if not the league.

Too bad the guy's a complete whack-job.

Isn't this magical...

Congratulations if you had predicted that by December 5th the Orlando Magic's win total is equal to the number of:

- Grammy awards that Joe Budden has been nominated for
- Paris Hilton sex videos being sold over the internet (that I know of)
- Half the San Diego Chargers' wins
- Player of the Week awards that Dikembe Mutombo would win

The Magic's losing streak is getting absurd, but rather than pile on the abuse, let's look ahead to when they might get a W. Friday night against San Antonio is unlikely. Saturday night in Dallas is near impossible. That'll run the streak to 19, and then they're at home vs. Phoenix, who will be in the middle of an east coast swing. This one is my prediction for a Magic W. The Suns have lost 4 of their last 5, going under 83 points in the four losses, and only putting up a respectable point total against Dallas. Myself and four friends could score 100 on Dallas. After the Phoenix game, the schedule gets even softer, including the Nets, Hawks, Bulls, Warriors, and Cavs in their next eight. If they don't win one of those, they're going 1-81.

LeBacklash

Bernie Lincome of the Rocky Mountian News says he can't carry Carmelo's jock. Bill Walton says the Cavaliers are losing because of him. Kevin Modesti of the L.A. Daily News says he's been all style, no substance.

These people should all stop talking immediately.

LeBron James is averaging 17.5 points, 7 boards, and 6 and a half assists per game.

I know the game isn't all about numbers, but would exactly is it that you want the guy to do? He's 18. He has no college experience. He's got all of 17 games of career experience. He's a Cleveland Cavalier. He has to deal with Ricky Davis.

He plays in the NBA, not the Teen Wolf High School League. One guy can only make so much difference. Not LeBron James or a hairy Michael J. Fox is going to be able to turn a team like the Cavs into title contenders.

When he has a supporting cast that can play like a team and some more experience, and his team is still losing, then by all means, pour on the criticism. Until then, however, I'm chalking it all up to the bitter backlash that's been inevitable since the hype machine kicked into overdrive surrounding LeBron's arrival.

Trading Spaces

Big trade happenings this week, and just in case you haven't seen them analyzed to death just quite yet, the Raptors and Grizzlies were huge winners, and the Bulls and Blazers are both huge losers. In regards to the trades, I mean. Actually, you can take it however you'd like, but they're certainly losers in the trade sense, too.

Why? In both cases, one team got role players, and the other team got a star, or at the very least, a scorer. Guys who can approach 20 points a game are far more rare than 32-year old three-point specialists, or rebounding junk men (and I mean that in the nicest possible way).

Hubie Brown is in the midst of turning Jason Williams into John Stockton, so to say that he's got a shot at turning Bonzi Wells into a solid citizen is not a stretch. Anyone that hangs out with Rasheed Wallace for any extended period of time is likely to turn into a jerk. If you made the Pope room with 'Sheed on the road, within a half hour, he'd be maxing out his credit card on in-room pay-per-view porno and selling weed to children. Perhaps all Bonzi needs is a change of scenery. If this were Trading Spaces, the Grizzlies were just spruced up by Vern, while Frank slapped some doilies and gingerbread men on the Blazers.

Vince Carter finally gets a teammate who's a legitimate scoring threat, something he hasn't had since T-Mac left town, and Rose also has positional versatility with the ability to play the 1, the 2, or the 3. This comes at the cost of a couple of guys who are good rebounders and defenders, but guys like that are far easier to acquire than big-time scorers. And Chris Bosh was going to have to start getting more minutes eventually anyway. If this were Trading Spaces, the Raptors got a tight new room by Genevieve, and the Bulls just had Doug redo them in a lovely sailboat decor.

Comment, Question, Problem, Compliment, Tirade, Hate Mail? Feel free. mjd888@insidehoops.net (remove the "888")

-M.J. Darnell, www.themightymjd.com.