NBA Satire: Bulls expanding coaching search
• Knicks forward Julius Randle speaks on 2OT win over Celtics
• No firm timetable yet for return of Bulls guard Coby White
• Deandre Ayton speaks on lack of Suns extension agreement
• G League: Raptors 905 coaching staff announced
• Pelicans and Jonas Valanciunas agree to contract extension
• Jaylen Brown had some breathing issues due to COVID-19
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• DeMar DeRozan buys new Chicago mansion
• Celtics re-sign Jabari Parker
• Timberwolves exercise contract options on Anthony Edwards and Jaden McDaniels
• Raptors exercise contract options on Precious Achiuwa and Malachi Flynn
• Lakers add Avery Bradley via waiver wire
• Hawks sign Kevin Huerter to contract extension
• Pacers sign Malcolm Brogdon to contract extension
• Grizzlies sign Jaren Jackson Jr. to contract extension
• Rockets add Garrison Mathews, waive Anthony Lamb
• Spurs exercise contract options on Keldon Johnson and Devin Vassell
• Hornets waive Wes Iwundu
• Lakers sign Jay Huff to two-way contract
• Celtics sign Brodric Thomas to two-way contract
• Raptors waive forward Ishmail Wainright
• Memphis Grizzlies waive Kris Dunn, David Stockton and Matthew Hurt
• OKC Thunder waive Mamadi Diakite, Justin Jaworski and Oliver Sarr
• Trail Blazers waive Patrick Patterson, Marquese Chriss and Quinn Cook
• Timberwolves waive forward Vince Edwards
• Orlando Magic waive Admiral Schofield, B.J. Johnson, Jeff Dowtin and Hassani Gravett
• Utah Jazz waive forward Nino Johnson
• Mavericks waive Justin Jackson and EJ Onu
• Sacramento Kings exercise contract option on Tyrese Haliburton
• Dallas Mavericks sign Justin Jackson and E.J. Onu
• Dallas Mavericks waive Carlik Jones, Feron Hunt and Tyrell Terry
• Miami Heat waive DJ Stewart, Javonte Smart, Micah Potter and Dru Smith
• Rockets sign Daishen Nix, waive Marcus Foster
• Atlanta Hawks exercise contract options on De’Andre Hunter, Cam Reddish and Onyeka Okongwu
• Timberwolves waive Brian Bowen II, Chris Silva, Matt Lewis and Isaiah Miller
• Grizzlies sign David Stockton, waive Ahmad Caver
• Kings waive forward Emanuel Terry
• Timberwolves sign forward Vince Edwards
• Lakers waive Joel Ayayi, Chaundee Brown Jr., Cameron Oliver and Trevelin Queen
• Pelicans waive John Petty Jr.
• Utah Jazz sign forward Nino Johnson
• Utah Jazz waive Derrick Alston Jr., Marques Bolden and MaCio Teague
• Charlotte Hornets waive Jalen Crutcher and Cameron McGriff
• Rockets sign Armoni Brooks and Marcus Foster, waive Tyler Bey
• Grizzlies sign Ahmad Caver and Matthew Hurt, waive Sean McDermott and Romeo Weems
• Lakers waive guard Mac McClung
Note: Inside Hoops is a professional news outlet, but the following article is satire from a fan. It's a light-hearted joke, inspired by The Onion. Enjoy.
Chicago Bulls general manager John Paxson has declared that the team's head coaching search will be expanded to a worldwide search and conducted in the same format as famous television show 'American Idol.'
"We've now interviewed over 45,000 candidates to see who will make the next Bulls coach," said Paxson. "And I realize it's not nearly enough. We've only scratched the surface of possibilities."
Shaking nervously, Paxson has declared that the Bulls will hire an additional 7,500 employees who will comb the globe, interviewing anyone with professional basketball coaching experience.
The team plans to interview anyone who has played basketball, seen it on TV, or been friends with anyone who once wore a Bulls t-shirt.
Additionally, anyone on the planet who has heard of Michael Jordan will also be considered.
"I saw a chubby kid, maybe around 13 years old, wearing a retro Pippen jersey the other day," a twitching Paxson said while dressed head to toe in knock-off Jordan gear. "Now, who am I to say that he doesn't deserve a chance?""
Bulls guard Kirk Hinrich feels Paxson is possibly going overboard. "Jim came to me the other day and asked to interview all of my relatives for the job," said Hinrich. "He then went on and interviewed some of my older, extended family. Grandma Beatrice is 85 years old and doesn't even understand the concept of sports competition. About 7 minutes into the interview, when she started singing old Broadway showtunes instead of answering questions, you'd think it would have been obvious that she'd probably at best be suited to be an assistant coach, yet Paxson pushed on, testing her for leadership ability. She just wanted her bran muffin and eventually started crying."
"I'm having Hinrich's grandma in for a second interview, " said Paxson.
The coaching search's initial two rounds are expected to be concluded before the start of the 2012-13 NBA season.