Why Your Wife Can't Be Your Be Your Best Friend

[LJJ]

I'm happy. Been 11 years.

But you are alpha right? Never show your emotions, "lead" your wife and have her submitted to you?

I mean, OP tells me this is the only way to do it.

[gts]

we're having a baby and she's one of the most respectable females I've ever met

however we don't have similar interests and we're almost like polar opposites

most of our time spent is me bothering her with silly sexual jokes and eating

Something I've learned in my years of being married, having highs and lows...

Having similar interests and all is superficial, it's the icing on the relationship... You both liking Thai food or the color blue doesn't count for sh*t when somebody is really ill or the mortgage is due.

The silly jokes you mention, the teasing and laughing at each other is more important in the end, that's what is and will continue to be a huge part of your bond


Oh and hey congrats on the baby.. how cool is that...

[JEFFERSON MONEY]

YEAH!

Was just thinking about this.

THe tightest long-term couples I know have about zero in common except for core beliefs and fukking each other and enjoying the finer things in life. Dude is a macho motorcycle guy and electrical engineer, wifey is a club-going religious homemaker type. other guy is an athletic tech geek and the wifey is some kind of cultural dancing type. another dudes a bodybuilder artist type and the girl is like a valley girl.

Weird how this luv thing works.

[#number6ix#]

If you can laugh and cry together and trust each other you will be happy together... The moment you feel you have to hide things resentment will find it's way into your home and your relationship is doomed

[-p.tiddy-]

There are lots of women out there that will resent you no matter what the situation is

You make too much money? They hate the fact that you are in power, they feel like your puppet, a worthless house wife, they want to feel like they are equal...

You make too little money? They hate that they have to pay for everything, why couldn't they find a man with success? Etc

It's a no win situation



Thank God I'm not married to one of those...

[BRabbiT]

There are lots of women out there that will resent you no matter what the situation is....It's a no win situation

being honest with yourself about who she really is, is key.

men deceive themselves into thinking their wife is someone other than who she really is.

for example, it's not impossible to be married to a bitch, if you accept who she is ...and then handle her correctly.

likewise, it's not impossible to be married to a woman who's superficial and all about having expensive things, but you have to understand what makes her tick.

of course, women make this very difficult, by lying about who they truly are

[MavsSuperFan]

Something I've learned in my years of being married, having highs and lows...

Having similar interests and all is superficial, it's the icing on the relationship... You both liking Thai food or the color blue doesn't count for sh*t when somebody is really ill or the mortgage is due.

The silly jokes you mention, the teasing and laughing at each other is more important in the end, that's what is and will continue to be a huge part of your bond


Oh and hey congrats on the baby.. how cool is that...

How do you feel about being best friends with your wife?

In that are you able to share your fears/vulnerabilities with her? or does she just expect you to be her rock and you feel the need to deal with your own issues privately?

[Swaggin916]

I'm just going off personal experience. I really hope this isn't always the case. But, it seems like it is.

Well there you go... your own personal experience. A lot of people and authors of books would agree with you too, but it's all what you are willing to believe and settle for.

I see where you are coming from but it's not always the case. You really don't have put up with that kind of stuff if you don't want.

[gts]

How do you feel about being best friends with your wife?

In that are you able to share your fears/vulnerabilities with her? or does she just expect you to be her rock and you feel the need to deal with your own issues privately?

It's great, I can't imagine it being any other way... You find after a certain point all that talk about sharing your fears and vulnerabilities is nonsense. You spend enough time around somebody and you don't need to tell them your strong points or fears. If they're even half aware they already know what makes you tick, what buttons to push and which ones to stay clear of, when to be supportive and when to stand firm

[D.J.]

Over/under: OP's age - 17


Sounds like one of those creepy PUA dudes. Completely miserable ****s who got ignored by women in high school and the first half of his 20's. Then finally has some success with women and takes out his years of failure on them.

[ace23]

Over/under: OP's age - 17


Sounds like one of those creepy PUA dudes. Completely miserable ****s who got ignored by women in high school and the first half of his 20's. Then finally has some success with women and takes out his years of failure on them.

Pretty sure OP is a 30+ year old MD.

[gigantes]

a lot of great replies here. some actually restore a little bit of my sanity.

@OP,
i think a relationship is sort of like a bank-- all things being equal, you put enough in and you can withdraw as needed. as in, if the relationship has empowered her, then she has strong reasons for wanting it to succeed / continue. so, yea... i think an emotionally-intelligent woman tends to be thinking bigger picture than just you playing a stereotypical male role.

...

my latest match was a real challenge for me. she was obsessed about losing that last little bit of weight, but couldn't accept that she was sabotaging her own efforts. so she would complain incessantly about being ugly and overweight, even though she was a pretty blonde and only a little over the ideal. not a dimbulb, either... has a PhD and works at a top uni nearby.

anyway, i got real tired real quick of trying to pacify her, and it was very clear that she had no real desire to get to the roots of the problem anytime soon. myself, i have a very clean diet and just being around me at food time was depressing and upsetting to her. it was a disaster by the end, like i had somehow insulted her, her house, and her job just by being present.

by the end i was almost ready to play the 'bad girl gets punished, spanky-spanky' card. it either would have worked or gotten my ass thrown out-- either thing being preferable.

still, i get where she's coming from to some degree-- when a person's primary asset is beauty and youth, and they get reminded of that incessantly by the culture itself, it produces a big strain on them. i guess i need to do a better job extending my confidance and support over to them in future. also, being more mindful not to make them feel inadequate... even by completely unintended means.

i mean, f--k me with a popsicle stick.

[PejaNowitzki]

This of course is nonsense. Every couple is different, they don't all neatly fit into the same box. From what I've learned thus far, you need to talk to your significant other, its when people stop talking, stop communicating, that is when relationships begin to fall apart. Not every pairing will be perfect, I have friends from high-school who got married and divorced in under 3 years, but for the most part, the ingredients for a happy marriage aren't all that unique. My own parents have been married for 35 years now and they still are happy together, vacation together, have a weekly date night as they've done for the previous 35 years.


I'm very happy in my marriage, which is going on 8 years now. I can't say I have any regrets, I don't have a second thought about opening up to my wife with anything that might be bothering me. A lot of my friends I grew up with have moved away, I talk to them on the phone, but realistically, my wife is my best friend and that relationship works for us. We don't always agree on everything, in general there's compromise required from both people, especially now that she is pregnant and we're starting to plan for a baby in our lives.

If you're a selfish person, and you know you're a selfish person, don't get married, seriously, it's going to be a waste of your time and your future spouse's time. Likewise, if your girlfriend is selfish, and you know that, it likely won't work. Both people have to be willing to compromise. There has to be give and take in some fashion. There are things I miss about being single, definitely, but not enough that I have any regrets, having her in my life has been a blessing, she's an awesome woman, very strong, independent and she's really been there for me whenever I've needed, just as I've been there for her. Its not about "control" or "leadership", its about being partners in life and looking out for each other, having each other's backs. Marriage is not perfect, it is never perfect, all this "happy ending" crap they peddle in the movies is stupid. A marriage is a "work in progress", from all the successful marriages I've seen, they never stop working at it, never stop talking, they always find ways to get through the tough times. There is no finish line, it is all about the journey.


Basically, forget all the PUA bullshit, do an honest self-analysis, make sure you know who you are before you get seriously involved with someone else. If you're lying to yourself about the kind of person you are, how can you ever be honest with another person?

[I<3NBA]

Of course she can't. You can't complain about your wife to your wife

[gigantes]

not unproductively, you can't.


isn't your best friend there to help solve problems, even if the problems involve themselves...?