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By Answerman

The Answerman is the unofficial, unauthorized, unrelenting, uncompromising, unpaid, unlicensed, uneducated though highly effective advice columnist at Insidehoops.com. He also dabbles in matters of the heart. He is here to answer all your questions.

Dear Readers,

Yes, there was a big trade this past week. Yes, every fantasy expert is giving their opinion on who will do well based on the trade. Yes, I am aching to share my opinion with you.

However, instead of opinion, I will give you advice. My advice is to wait five games (five games played with a new team). I always advise careful deliberation and collection of facts. Do the same here. There are no sure-fire results from this trade. See what actually happens before believing the prognosticators about what is going to happen.

On to more important matters, a "How to Trade" column for the Ladies.

Women have a remarkable power over men - at least, men they haven't slept with. Once sex happens the whole power distribution of the relationship changes. So for men that you have not slept with, women can use their feminine wiles to get men to do anything. Men will hold doors, buy drinks, move furniture, give rides, buy dinner and give up seats to women they don't even know. No promise of sex or other reward needed. We just do things for women out of habit. That's how it works.

My dear Lady readers, you must use this power to your fantasy basketball trading advantage. Here's how:

1) Phone call. I've already written that the only way to make a successful trade is through personal contact. So the first step is to call the victim.

Call him during work - preferably around 12 - as he's winding down for lunch. Men want to talk about anything, besides work, at work. Fantasy basketball is a very good option. Calling a single guy at home invites the wrong impression. Calling married guy at home will make him nervous and kill your whole approach.

2) Tone. Men love the sound of a woman's voice. It's better than a live meeting because anyone can fake sounding good. Speak softly - nearly a whisper - during the call. It's more intimate. If the victim asks why you are being so quiet, say that you're boss is standing over you and you don't want him to know that you are "messing around."

If you sell that line correctly, the victim will sign over his 401(k).

3) Conversation. After you tell the victim that you called about basketball, immediately compliment him on his team. "I know you are in 5th place, but honestly, I really like your team. You really know your stuff."

At this point the victim will make a joke. Laugh.

- As an aside to the guys, enough with the jokes. Women don't think that men are funny. Men and women have different senses of humor. They think Oprah is funny, they think their girlfriends are funny. However, women are trained to understand the male sense of humor and laugh at things that are meant to be funny. They appreciate the effort but it's work for them to keep trying to laugh. Go easy on the jokes. I use feigned sincerity followed by easy-going humor -

4) Damsel in Distress. Discuss how you don't understand the league and need help. The victim will compliment your team to make you feel better and give some ridiculous advice. If he doesn't mention the player(s) you want to unload on him, ask specifically about them. "Do you think Ostertag will ever get better?" "Sure. Don't worry."

5) Closing the Deal. At this point it's automatic pilot. Offer the victim one of the players he complimented for the player(s) on his team you want. If you are lucky, he faked some modesty earlier and said that his player "isn't THAT good."

Since he's already agreed to help you, he'll feel obligated to give up a player in furtherance of his assistance.

Remember, this is not a sales call where you should Always Be Closing. That's not the feminine style and not what seduces men out of their reason. Keep the light conversation, gentle humor and compliments dispersed throughout the negotiations. However, do not let him off the phone until the deal is closed. Give him time to think and he'll reject the deal.

6) Afterwards. You do not want the victim to feel taken. So after the agreement, you can say something vague like, "We should definitely hang out more." Victim will feel like he had a successful phone call because he got a date.

Some things to avoid: Do not use the coarse language that guys use with one another when discussing sports.

Do not discuss your boyfriend/husband/kids or his girlfriend/wife/kids.

Do not ask about his day or discuss your job.

Do not mislead him. You are not offering sex for players - that's insane - you are merely talking trades. It is not your fault if he's charmed by a woman.

Good luck ladies, and more specifically, good luck men, the girls are armed and dangerous now.

Remember, any questions, write the Answerman@insidehoops.net